Graceful Balance

This past Thursday morning I had my very first acupuncture visit. Like most times in my life, I scheduled it in even though I really didn’t have time, I left late to get there, I was already a little nervous about what to expect anyway – and it definitely showed.

After sliding into the parking lot Danica Patrick style, I ran (trotted really) to the acupuncturist’s door in heels my husband always tells me not to run in, and as I opened the door, I caught my heel on the welcome mat and fell all the way to the floor just inside the waiting room. Well, my lower half was flat on the floor. I was still hanging onto the handle bar on the door like it was the monkey bars at my old elementary school.

I paused for a minute, trying to think of something witty to say – nothing came to mind. The receptionist raised both of her eyebrows at me and said, “Are you Carrie-Anne?” I nod. “Have a seat please.”

Needless to say, I was a little tense while Dr. Acu was inserting the needles – even more so when he connected the clips and started fine tuning the electrical current. They positioned heat lamps over my feet and over my uterus, turned out the lights and told me to try to relax and just breathe. I was very aware of the needles, very tense, and very uncomfortable for a good part of the time, then finally did start to relax the last 10 minutes or so. I decided I wanted to give it another shot before I really made any decisions as to whether or not I would continue treatment.

This evening was my second appointment. I made it in the evening so that I could go straight home afterward (very good decision). I already knew what to expect and was not apprehensive whatsoever about the needles or even the current. It was just a very soothing, relaxing, pulsing experience. Aaaaahhhh.

This time, instead of thinking about the needles sticking out of me, I took advantage of the time alone in the dark, with my body being encouraged to balance and relax by the gentle pulsing throughout, to pray and to meditate.

The first thing I did was concentrate on the pulses over my uterus. Just a gentle, pulsing sensation. I imagined that must be what it feels like to be kicked by a baby inside a big pregnant belly. It made me smile. I concentrated on my uterus and imagined it a strong, warm and comforting environment – just right to grow a baby inside. I concentrated on the sensations I was feeling and imagined the blood flowing and healing everything I had grown to resent so much over the past years of pregnancy frustrations.

The next thing I did, was pray. I thanked God for the incredibly supportive community of women I have recently discovered. I thanked God for my husband, for my family, for my friends who love me. And I prayed the prayer I have prayed one hundred thousand times, “Lord, please bless Josh and I with a healthy baby. If it is your will, please prepare my body to be a strong and safe environment and bless us with a child.”

Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask, and it shall be given to you.” I believe this. Matthew 7:8, “Seek and you shall find.” I find new things every single day in my journey.

The acupuncturist told me I needed to find my balance. I needed to allow my mind to become a supporting current throughout my body, instead of fighting it so much.

I find this to be very relevant when thinking about my relationship with God. It’s so important that we find our balance with God. We must allow God to become a current throughout our bodies. We should be in a constant state of prayer to ensure that our actions are pleasing, our words are comforting and that every step we take leads us in the direction of His will for us.

Today, I didn’t fight the acupuncture and I didn’t lay there freaking out over the pulsing current. Today I embraced the power to use the pulsing as points of concentration and healing. And I’m so glad I did. I had a very relaxing and pleasing experience, and I am looking forward to my next appointment.

Chelli

Chelli’s Story:

I have always had some health issues in my life. I have been in and out of hospitals more than I can count. Years before I got married, I was told that I may never have kids. After I got married we had all the usual and un-usual tests run to see what was wrong and why I kept having such horrible cycles. I would pass out frequently and throw up lots during each and every cycle and have horrible cramps…. So once we decided we were going to have kids, the heavy heart, soul, etc was already there as we knew it may never happen for us. What we were not prepared for was the highs and lows of what was to come.

I have had eight miscarriages. LOTS of yells and talks with God. After my fourth miscarriage, I was even encouraged to have a hysterectomy. I remember all too well the “pain and happiness” felt for those around me who were expecting. I remember EVERYONE I knew was either expecting or just had a baby! It seemed that no matter where I went, where I looked, what I did, “they” were everywhere. I prayed and fasted and did everything in “my power” to try to have my own. My husband HATED to see me in such pain emotionally and physically. So we finally had decided that we would give one last thing a try…for me, an acupuncturist helped.

When I finally did get pregnant, and carried to term (twice!) I did not have easy pregnancies and had many scares along the way! But I do have two amazing boys both healthy and very happy…16 months apart.

This is what I have learned through this horrible and great journey. Life is not always what we want or expect. God does hear and answers our prayers. Sometimes we do not like or accept the answers. There is always someone out there to talk to, lean on and cry with. It is ok to feel both pain and joy at the same time…it does not make you any less of a person! I do not even remotely understand why this has to happen to women…why some “who should not” are blessed in abundance and those that “should” have none. I wish I knew the answers and could find that illusive “magic wand!”

It does do crazy things to the hormones and also to you mentally; but God has and IS helping me cope! There are still MANY days that I wonder…what if…but I am learning not to dwell and to be ok! STILL a work in progress. I know that even though the pregnancies were so hard that I am indeed the most blessed lady ever! As hard as it is…no matter what, know that God is on your side and He will be with you no matter what!

If you have any questions  for Chelli or would like to submit a story yourself, please let me know by filling out the form below. Chelli thank you so much for sharing your story! Love you girl!

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It’s Prayer Vigil Friday! 03/11/11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”~Joshua 1:9

Today, all throughout the day, please pray for:

Kristin – Pray for guidance as she and her husband make a decision as to whether or not to start the process of trying for a second baby.

Nikki – Halfway through her pregnancy after a successful IVF! Pray she and her baby stay healthy and safe.

Phyllis – Praying for an adoption.

Nate – Praying for a successful IVF for his wife.

Holly – Taking a sanity break after another unsuccessful round of Clomid.

Dear God,

Please lift up these individuals and the struggles that are weighing on their hearts. Bless all the couples who are struggling with infertility today. Guide them in the direction of your will, Lord, so that they may realize the plan you have for them. Give me the strength and courage to live every day to the fullest, and the compassion to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me.

Amen.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.~Isaiah 40:31

Prayer Vigil Friday

Welcome to Prayer Vigil Friday! Prayer Vigil Friday is a special day set aside  for you to express your prayer requests and concerns and we, as a support community, can offer the power of prayer and love to reach out to those who need comfort and encouragement.

Submit a Prayer Request!

Fill out the form at the above link, or email me at prayer@twoweekworship.com. I will only use first names or initials, whichever you prefer.

We call this Prayer Vigil Friday because at any given time throughout the day, anyone could be praying over the names of those who have asked for prayerful support. You might even print out the names and keep them nearby to keep them on your heart throughout the day. You will make a difference in the life of every person you pray for.

I encourage you to make it a special event in your week. Put some time aside, even if it’s 10 or 20 minutes, close the door, dim the lights, light a candle, whatever you need to do to focus and spend some prayerful time with God. Pray over the names you see here, take some time and pray for yourself. Spend some time reflecting over the past week, over any frustrations you’ve had, whatever you’ve been putting off talking over with God.

If you have a special prayer concern or even a joy in your life that you would like to share that gives us all an opportunity to give thanks and praise to God then please share that with us as well! I will take prayer requests throughout the week then list on Fridays for your prayer support.

Pray over past Prayer Vigil Fridays.

Be a Prayer Partner and reach out and touch people’s lives. See you Friday!

Join women all over the world in prayer.

What Did You Just Say!?!?

I have found that one of the most insensitive things anyone who knows I’m trying to get pregnant can say to me is, “Just relax, you’re trying too hard.” Or, “Oh stop worrying, it’ll happen the moment you stop thinking about it.” I wrote this entry in my diary after one particularly frustrating day:

“I’ve discovered that no one knows what I’m going through but me. Everyone tells me stress causes infertility – but what they don’t seem to understand is that infertility CAUSES STRESS! People who don’t know what it feels like to NOT be able to get pregnant, seem to be the most critical and the most ready to offer their opinions of “you’re doing it wrong” or “you know that’s not really going to help, don’t you?” or “you’re trying too hard” or “are you sure that’s the best thing?” or “have you read anything about that?” or “you just need to take a vacation.”

Every time someone offers these tactless words of advice, I instantly have visions of myself taking a turn-step back and delivering a round house kick to their right cheek. Whether it’s a church member, a friend or a random encounter, it always shocks me to hear it and I physically have to calm down and bite my tongue. I know they don’t mean to hurt me, but I can’t help but take it as a deliberate hit to my infertility nerve. During these times, I like to recall 2 Samuel 22:41, “You placed my foot on their necks. I have destroyed all who hated me.” No, I’m just kidding.

Taking offense when people are insensitive is a perfectly natural reaction. Even Job couldn’t help but respond with sarcasm to the advice of his friends, “Surely wisdom will die with you!” (Job 12:2) When people don’t understand what you’re going through, you can’t blame them for saying something hurtful that you know they don’t mean. You are dealing with a kind of pain that they, thankfully, hopefully, will never understand. I know it hurts. It feels like you’re being told that everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve done, every prayer you’ve said, every test you’ve taken, every single time your heart has dropped right onto the bathroom floor, has been a silly waste of your time.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

It’s not just infertility that can strike a hard nerve. I’m guilty of insensitivity too, usually completely by accident. I can recall times I’ve opened my mouth and said something insensitive and instantly wished I could’ve taken the words back the second I felt them leave my lips. It’s amazing the offenses that can be dished out over the course of one single breath.

When I first started dealing with the reality that Josh and I would be facing difficulties getting pregnant, I unloaded on a single friend of mine who had recently gone through a very tough breakup – but I wasn’t thinking about her or her feelings, I was thinking about me. After a few minutes, I paused to give her a chance to give me a little “poor baby” time, and she squeezed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said with all sincerity, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but at least you have someone to go through this with.” In my own sadness, I had completely blindsided her with insensitivity to her situation. I have the exact same reaction when I hear people talk about how terrible their kids are behaving. I immediately want to respond with, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but at least you have children.”

We can all take a lesson or two in tactfulness and awareness. Every person has a button to be pushed or a nerve to be hit. I do. You do. If we all knew everything that upset everyone and had the sensitivity to avoid offending everyone around us, we’d all be walking on stilts to avoid the piles of eggshells surrounding us, although I’d probably do more damage on the stilts. The point being, insensitivity is impossible to avoid. So the only way to deal with insensitivity is to decide that you are not going to be offended.

In the article, The Sin of Being Offended by Hayley Dimarco, the best-selling author of Mean Girls, Hayley writes:

True strength comes in changing ourselves and that means our ‘reactions’ to others. For it is not what others do to us that counts, but what we think about what they do to us that matters. Offenses lie in our mind not in others’ actions. No one can insult you or hurt you verbally unless you decide to allow it….. If we, as believers, can turn our focus upward instead of inward, we can be free from the slings and arrows of mean people. There is a unique kind of freedom that comes with deciding not to allow the hurtful words and mean actions of others to control us.”

I love that, I’m going to repeat that in bold – “If we, as believers, can turn our focus upward instead of inward, we can be free from the slings and arrows of mean people.”

Psalm 121:1 says it best, “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence my help cometh.”

Just picture it! What a vision! Keep your focus on God. Draw your strength from the one who never offends. Find security and peace in the one who saves you.

Have a great week!

You Know You’re TTC When…

1) You saw TTC and immediately knew what it meant.

2) The big “O” now refers to ovulation, rather than orgasm.

3) You wake up in the morning praying for nausea and vomiting.

4) You check your breasts for signs of changes at least five times a day – come on’ huge nips and interstate road map veins!

5) Although still disgusted by it (and even slightly nauseated by it – hey, nausea!), you are more fascinated by your own CM as well as hearing about everyone else’s CM than you ever thought you would be in your entire life (but still….eww.)

6) You spend more time at work Googling early pregnancy symptoms than you do working.

7) You’re excited about having excessive gas, painful bloating and constipation because you read in several places these are signs of early pregnancy.

8 ) Acid reflux! High five!

9) You are disappointed that you haven’t had to pee very often this morning. But now that you think about it…you have to go now!

10) You know where all the best light is in order to get a good clear unmistakable view of the pregnancy test strip (but you still close one eye and hold it up close and then wait an additional 10 minutes before throwing it away only to dig it out of the trash a few more times just to make sure).
11)You have a variety of words to represent the “F” in BFN. (My absolute favorite.)

By: Carrie-Anne Taylor

Nicole

My husband and I have been battling infertility for four years. I underwent numerous timed cycles and IUI cycles which were unsuccessful. In July 2009 my husband got orders for us to move from Pensacola, FL to McChord AFB, WA (right outside of Seattle). We weren’t supposed to get orders but now had to move across the country with him reporting to work by January 2010. I was heartbroken as I’d established a wonderful relationship with an infertility doctor in Pensacola.

We packed up and moved across the country. I went to see another infertility doctor but we couldn’t afford anymore IUI treatments, let alone IVF! We’d already paid out of pocket for more than enough IUI’s that didn’t work. I reluctantly succumbed to the idea that I’d be the mother of one, but was SO thankful for the beautiful child I had. I also decided to get back to work. I got a job and found out that their insurance covered infertility treatments up to $25,000 no questions asked. It was as if God said, “Here ya go!”

We had really gotten out of our comfort zone with the IUI as it tested our beliefs so IVF had totally been out of the question. After many prayers and discussion, we finally decided it was time and went through an IVF cycle. Needless to say, the cycle didn’t work and as heartbroken as I was, I knew it wasn’t going to be immediately after the transfer. My heart and soul knew.

Nonetheless, I grieved…….again……..the death of a baby that hadn’t even been conceived but rather was just my heart’s desire. We weren’t going to try again. My husband said enough was enough and my body had had it with all of the medications, pokes, pricks, prods.

My heart wasn’t done though and I knew I needed one more chance (Plus, we still had the insurance to cover it!) I researched and found another doctor who ended up being amazing! Everything was state of the art and I knew this was it. We started the cycle again and right as we were supposed to start the medication regimen, my husband got orders for us to move to Cannon AFB, NM. We were shocked! Finally we would be closer to home but we hadn’t even been in WA 9 months! It was then it dawned on me even more clearly, God had sent us to WA to get pregnant!

I developed a cyst on my ovary due to the meds and had to temporarily stop the cycle. The doctor knew we were on a tight schedule. Again, after many prayers, we went through our second round in November. We only had one embryo that survived and were blessed with a pregnancy!! I had the aspiration on the 11th of November, the blastocyst transfer on the 15th of November, positive pregnancy test on the 24th and 26th of November, and we began the move to Cannon AFB, NM on the 27th of November. God is good! I would highly recommend Seattle Reproductive Medicine to anyone who suffers from this disease! I’ve also learned never to question the bigger plan. It always seems to work out.

There were some complications that arose at the end of December after a routine ultrasound. The baby had implanted high and to the right in my uterus. There was concern (and studies) that as the baby grew it would cause my uterus to rupture. This could result in both the baby and me dying. I spent three weeks in the hospital being closely monitored with ultrasounds every other day. I was by myself in Lubbock as my husband was moving us to Clovis and Momma was keeping my daughter in Alamogordo.

The doctors talked to me daily about potentially having to terminate the pregnancy due to the high risk. I continually refused. I did TONS of research as did my amazing doctors. We found out that this type of implantation is actually becoming more common with IVF treatment. It is still very rare, however, with the increase in infertility treatments it is being seen more and more.

I was released from the hospital as they felt the baby had moved some but still were concerned and I had weekly trips back to Lubbock to be checked. I am so happy to say that at my last appointment, the baby had moved to where the doctors feel comfortable (doctors said it’s a miracle) and I don’t have to go back for an entire month! Praise God!!! We are blessed with a little boy who is due to enter this world at the end of July. I have a beautiful five year old little girl, Hannah Mae, who is ecstatic to have a brother.

In sharing this with you, I am hopeful that I may be of help to you and others. Infertility is such a lonely journey, even when you have a huge support group. The feelings of failing as a woman were overwhelming. Studies now show that women who suffer from this terrible disease are 80% more likely to be successful with treatment if they have a support group of others that are going through the same issues. My mom and I were just talking about how I wished there was some way for me to be more active in helping others who suffer from infertility. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and when she told me about your page, God couldn’t have made things clearer for me.

It has been a journey, but I truly believe that God will never give us anything we can’t handle. (Sometimes I just wish He didn’t trust us to much!) Between my faith and my counseling degree I hope to be able to help other families who have gone through what we have.

If you would like to contact Nicole to ask her questions about her journey, or to learn more about the counseling services she can provide, please fill out the form below and she will be happy to respond!

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Shared Stories

I have received some truly heartwarming stories from some strong and amazing women who pray that their experiences will offer hope and encouragement to other women facing difficulties with infertility.

Their stories will touch your hearts and renew your faith.

If you would like to share your story, we would love to hear it!

The Pure of Heart

“Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” ~ Matthew 8:5

The Pure of Heart. There are a number of different ways we identify things or experiences that we consider to be pure. Last summer I had just such an experience that was very enjoyable to me.

I heard the local college was offering a summer sign language course. I signed up for it. I had an idea in my head what I thought the class would be like, and I looked through the book before the class began and made some notes of things I wanted to be sure to ask the instructor.

So, I was a little caught off guard when I showed up that first day of class to discover that the instructor, James, was completely deaf. James never told us exactly what happened to him to cause him to lose his hearing, but he told us that when he was 11 months old, there was extensive damage done to his ear drums, rendering him completely deaf. James could sound out some words, using clicking noises and tones representing syllables.  James was a wonderful instructor. He was patient, and funny and even picked on us when he had the opportunity to do so. A few of us learned, purely by accident, some of the “bad word” signs that happened to be similar to the vocabulary words we were learning. In those instances, it was James’ turn to become flustered.

Taking into consideration everything I learned during the course of that 6 week class, the one thing that stood out most to me, that had the biggest impact on me, wasn’t sign language at all – it was James’ laugh. James’ laugh was big, loud, bellowing …untouched by the world. James himself had never even heard how great his laugh was. There was no half-hearted laugh to feign amusement, no stifled laugh in an effort to keep the volume down. James laughed whole heartedly with nothing but pure joy behind it. Pure joy, that we got to experience, every time he laughed. And he laughed a lot. Isn’t it wonderful to know that pureness still exists in this world? And how precious are those moments when we are fortunate enough to experience it!

When I take a step back and look at my life, with everything I’ve been through, and everything I’ve done, I wonder how could anything pure could still exist in me? No one gets through this world untouched. And like a lot of people, not only have I been touched by the world, it’s flat out beat me down a time or two. And that leaves a mark just as surely as sin does. That’s where bitterness, anger, coveting… all stem from. Infertility, broken dreams, broken promises, insensitivity, frustration, betrayal, battle, condescension, these are all things that destroy what was once pure. And that’s just lightly touching the surface.

So when I read the first part of the verse, “Blessed are the pure of heart,” I say, Yes, bless them, we need more of them, bless their pure, sweet, innocent hearts. And then I read the rest of the verse, “…for they shall see God.” And I think, Just them, or does anyone have a bible with a different version that’s maybe a little more vague and encompassing? No? Then what does that mean for me?

What does it mean to have a pure heart? How can I ever get one of those?

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” That tells me right there, in and of myself, it is impossible for me to have a pure heart.

But, what is impossible for me, is possible for God. By the grace of God, I can have a pure heart.

I think a pure heart is a forgiven heart.

One night at a bible study, our lesson was based on a Rob Bell video we watched. The message had this to say: There is nothing you could ever do to make God love you less. Nothing you could ever do to make him love you less. Nothing. This message really meant a lot to me because I grew up hearing these words from my parents my whole life. “There is nothing you or your brother could ever do that would make us love you less.”

When I was about 8 years old, my brother and I accidently broke something of mom’s. I don’t remember what it was, but we were afraid to tell because we didn’t want to get in trouble. When Mom found out, she decided she needed to come up with a way for us to feel like we were able to come to her with anything we’d done. So, one day, she got us together and showed us a keychain. It was a simple little keychain with a picture of a puppy on it. She told us that any time we did something that we were afraid to tell her about, we could bring her the keychain. It didn’t mean we wouldn’t be punished, but Mom promised us that if we brought her the keychain, she would not get mad or yell, but she would talk to us about what had happened or what we’d done. We didn’t have to be afraid because she would always love us, no matter what we did. She hung the keychain low on the wall on a nail beside the washing machine and told us it would always be there when we needed it.

I remember vividly, one occasion when I used the keychain. I’d gotten into trouble for something…I don’t remember what – probably for not cleaning my room, or being mean to my brother, something like that.

I was so mad about it, in fact, that I wrote on my bedroom wall in big, capital letters, I hate mom. I don’t remember what I used to write it, but I do remember that it didn’t come off with an eraser, and it didn’t come off with water. I instantly became afraid, and ashamed. I knew three things were going to have to happen. I knew I was going to have to tell mom what I’d done. I knew that it was going to hurt her badly. And I knew there was no way around it, because there was absolutely no hiding it.

So, I walked into the kitchen. With trembling hands I removed the keychain from the nail, and with tears streaming down my face, I went to find mom. She didn’t get mad, but when I told her, she started to cry. She hugged me, and took my hand and led me into the kitchen. We got a small bucket from under the sink, got some soapy water and a sponge, and we walked to my room. The worst part of the whole thing was the guilt and shame of having to face those blatantly mean words again in front of her. She knelt down beside me, and together we scrubbed the words off the wall…every last mark. I still, to this day, feel terrible for writing it. But I don’t remember ever talking to mom about it again.

I’d decided to use this story as an illustration at church one night. I thought I’d better let mom know and make sure it wouldn’t upset her again to hear it. So I asked her if she remembered the keychain she gave my brother and I and she told me that she did. She even said she’d thought about that keychain just a couple of days earlier. So I took a deep breath and I told her what I planned to say about writing on the wall and what a horrible daughter I am, and she sat and listened until I’d finished. And do you know what she said? She said, “I don’t remember that.” She remembered the keychain, and she remembered that my brother and I had both used it a few times, but she didn’t remember a single thing we had ever done.

How many times do we fail to come to God with our sins and anger simply because it hurts so badly to have to face that sin in front of Him? How many times have we been mad at God, or too busy for God, and turned our backs to Him only to find ourselves standing in front of a wall, facing the sin in our lives, with no way to hide it, and no where else to turn? It begins with a simple prayer of complete surrender, “Lord, forgive me. Have mercy on me.”

We can’t wash away our sin without God’s help. God faces that sin with us. He washes it clean. He forgives us. And then through Isaiah 43:25 He tells us, “I – yes, I alone – will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” He forgives us because He loves us. And there is nothing we could ever do, to make Him love us less.

Blessed are those who are forgiven, washed clean, for they shall see God.  Achieving a pure heart is not something we can do once and maintain. It is a constant renewal by the grace of God.  Blessed are the pure of heart, a forgiven heart, a willing heart, for they shall see God

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a faithful spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10.