Running and Screaming

At the beginning of the summer, Josh and I took a much needed vacation to Orlando, Florida.

According to fertility folklore, that means I should already be about 8 weeks pregnant. Alas, no.

We’d been planning and paying for this vacation since January and it was just as wonderful as we’d hoped it would be. We stayed in a resort hotel, rented a red Mustang convertible and took a water taxi to and from Universal Studios.

One of those gorgeous sunny days, we drove over to Cocoa Beach and spent a glorious afternoon soaking up the sun and playing in the waves.

When we first arrived at the beach, we walked along the shoreline, enjoying the water rushing back and forth over our feet – until we noticed the hundreds of small mauve colored jellyfish lying all the way down the beach. A closer look into the water washing in and out revealed hundreds more in the water.

Ok. So we need to watch out for jellyfish.

We lined up our beach blankets and flip flops and enjoyed the day. It wasn’t overly crowded and there were several families with kids and teenagers hanging out around the docks. When we were in the water, we kept an eye out for each other for those mauvey jellyfish and never had a problem. There were several kids plopped down in the shallow waves with moms and dads and they didn’t seem to be too bothered by the jellyfish either.

Josh and I had just laid back down on our towels to get some sun when we heard screaming just down the beach from us. We see a young boy, probably about 6 years old screaming and high tailing it down the beach as fast as he could run. His stunned dad stood there for a minute and yelled out, “Hey Buddy, where ya going?” The upset kiddo never paused for a second – he just kept screaming and running in the opposite direction from his dad. A moment later, his dad was running after him, finally caught up to him, scooped him up and began hugging him and looking him over. As he started walking back holding the poor dear, we could clearly see the jellyfish sting marks down his back and on the backs of his legs. They were swelling up quick and looked really painful.

Two lifeguards arrived within moments to look him over and treat the stings. We felt so bad for the little guy.

Josh and I both agreed that if it had been one of us who got stung, we probably would have reacted the exact same way and high tailed it running and screaming, arms waving overhead, in whatever direction we were facing, as long as it was away from the scene of the stinging.

As a matter of fact, I can think of several times when I’ve wanted to do just that – leaving a Carrie-Anne shaped hole through the nearest wall:

Found out “she” was mocking my infertility depression behind my back and saying I just wasn’t “doing it right?” – Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Just opened an invitation to a sixth baby shower in four months? – Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your friend is now pregnant with her fifth baby? – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurt. Anger. Bitterness. Longing. Sadness. Envy.

Living with infertility, we try so hard to avoid these stingers in life, but they inevitably strike and it’s always when we least expect it.

And when we’re hurt and angry, it’s so hard not to let that lunatic basket-case come screaming out of us as we run away cursing the world around us. It’s also during these times of weakness and vulnerability when we not only turn and run from the pain, but also from those who are running after us, trying so hard to understand what’s happening to us – wanting so badly to scoop us up and love us and make the pain go away.

Josh once sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and told me that he wanted to share this burden with me – that this was his burden too, that we were in this together and that he never wanted me to think that I was going through the pain of infertility alone. I healed a little bit that day.

My mom and dad both told me at different times that they didn’t understand what I was going through because they couldn’t understand the void I must be feeling. I think that is one of the most understanding statements that anyone can make. It opens the door of communication and invites the one who is hurting to be completely free and open to share why it hurts so badly. There is healing in explaining your feelings to someone who loves you unconditionally and wants to understand.

I found peace with my infertility the day I stopped running away from God and blaming Him for my suffering. I found peace the day I allowed Him to comfort me and renew a hope inside me that He did in fact have a plan for me. That was the same day I started writing these devotionals that have reached all of you. It was healing for me to begin thinking of my infertility as a blessing – because it gave me an opportunity to reach out to other women to offer comfort, encouragement and understanding. Seeing it that way it allows me to channel my anger, bitterness and desperation, and to create something meaningful and beautiful as a result of it. I heal a little bit every time I write a new post.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to talk about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I can do all things through Him, who gives me strength. ~Philippians 4:13

In the day when I called, You answered me; and You strengthened me with strength in my inner self. ~ Psalm 138:3

About Carrie-Anne

Mother, wife, writer, infertility survivor, lover of sunflowers and sunshine and chilly rainy days on mountains and in my spare time I'm a mechanical engineer...

8 Responses to “Running and Screaming”

  1. This is a fantastic post and wonderful perspective. I love this! Well said. So well said.

  2. I’m here from the LBS linkup. This is a lovely post, and I really identify with some of the things you’re saying. Thanks for sharing. x

  3. Great points!

    Now what’s this lore you referred to at the beginning? Do you supposedly get pregnant if you go to Florida? Hadn’t heard that one.

  4. LOL Anna! Well it definitely isn’t Florida. Maybe Greece? 🙂

  5. I thought it was the mountains. Snuggling in the cold.

  6. I found your blog on LBS and was reading your story. I perked when I saw you were in Cocoa Beach. That’s where I lived for 30 years. My family is still there, I live between Orlando and Cocoa Beach.

    As far as your post goes. I had a dear friend who tried for 10 years to get pregnant. Her whole family were involved somehow in the church, whether being a Pastor, Youth Pastor and so forth. Her & husband decided to adopt from China and brought home a beautiful baby girl. After about two years of working and running around her husband said to her on Father’s Day. “Your pregnant.” She took a test and SHE WAS!!! It was the most exciting time ever for her. She had no problems being pregnant and had a wonderful baby boy the next year.

    Don’t give up, just give it to God. He is the Master and “wanting” is something He doesn’t grant. Just be patient and go on with life and wait to see what He has in store for you.

    Good Luck!
    Kimberly in Florida

  7. Thank you so much for sharing that Kimberly. God so beautifully orchestrates our lives! God bless you and thank you for stopping by my blog.

  8. Wow… what a great follow-up to the email I sent you last night! This is exactly how I’ve felt lately when it comes to my relationship with God: crying & running in the opposite direction… until I found your post, that is! =) Last night I kept coming back to the (rather cheesy for some) thought that ‘Friends are God’s way of taking care of us’ (not at all cheesy for me!). I can feel your blog is one of the ways in which He has chosen to take care of, inspire and strengthen me =) Thank you so much for this, Carrie-Anne, you are an Angel on earth and I do heal a little bit more every time I read you. XXXOOO @Susy_Sama

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