Be Still

Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10

Remember being little, when we were always being told to be quiet and sit still?

My dad is a minister. And when I was younger, my dad would preach and my mom would play the organ during church services. That left me and my brother sitting on the front pew alongside the acolytes, in full view of both our parents as well as the congregation. More than once, my brother and I were called out from the pulpit to settle down.

I always joke that Mom and Dad had disciplining us during church down to a science. Dad could start a prayer, ask the congregation for a moment of silent prayer which would cue Mom to begin softly playing a hymn on the organ. Then Dad could come down from the pulpit, drag me or my brother out the side door, scold us, put us back in the pew and be back in the pulpit just in time for The Lord’s Prayer. I still remember snickers from the adults in the pews behind us.

Now that I’m older, I still can’t seem to sit still or keep my mouth shut. And this is a time in my life when I need to do just that.

Twelve days ago I found myself sitting on a bench about 10 miles south of Anchorage, Alaska, looking at a beautiful view of the ocean and the mountains. I just had to find the perfect place to sit and to wait – and to be still. You see, I was waiting to hear from my husband who was, at that very moment, at a doctor appointment with our friend and her daughter – who is pregnant – who has asked if we might be interested in adopting her baby. I wished so much that I was there with them. I know that my husband did too. But there were no doubts – he wanted to be there. If she was going to ask us to be there – then we would be there.

Suddenly a whole new world has introduced itself to us – to our whole family for that matter – and I desperately wanted to be home and to be a part of it.

Wait, let me back up and fill you in:

Eighteen days ago, I had the most precious conversation of my entire life. I was asked if Josh and I would be interested in adopting the baby of a dear friend’s sweet daughter.

Now friends, there have been some times in my life when I have been speechless, and this was NOT one of them. But if it had been my heart talking on the phone rather than my brain filtered voice all she would have heard was a chorus of heavenly voices singing the Alleluia chorus! Instead, I gave her a reserved and teary, “Of course we would,” and Josh followed up with the affirmation that if this is an option we would be given, then we would do everything in our power to make it happen.

Make the most of every opportunity.~Colossians 4:5

With infertility, hope and heartbreak often go hand in hand. It’s an unfortunate fact of life. And now that this window of hope has been opened for us, my heart wants to grasp it and reel it in with all of the excitement and hope I would be feeling if it were my own pregnancy. But I know that I can’t. This is a choice that this brave young girl has to make on her own. But the amazing part is that she has invited us to come to the doctor appointments. She has invited me to come to parenting classes with her. She is allowing me to become part of her experience, and for that, I am so very grateful. The fact that she can think of Josh and I as an option for her baby, and to know that she knows we would love that baby girl with all of the love we could possibly give and that we would extend our family to include her and her family means more to Josh and I than we could ever express.

But, back to the Alaskan wilderness:

Josh called me on his way to the appointment and texted me a couple of times while they were waiting to go in. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was going absolutely crazy being so far away.

So I sat in my rental car and asked God to help me find a safe place to wait for the news. I say “safe” because I knew it would be an emotional phone call and I needed to be somewhere I would feel safe and comfortable to talk.

You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart.~Jeremiah 29:13

I drove south of Anchorage until I found a side road leading up a mountain. I drove up the road until I hit a hiking trail. I spied a bench overlooking an amazing view of the ocean and the mountains, grabbed my computer and headed for the bench. I sat there with my computer and waited…and waited…and waited.

I’ve been to the doctor’s office before so I know it’s never a “get in – get out” process, but two hours had passed and all I wanted to do was text Josh  to ask him what was going on.

But I didn’t. Because I knew he would call me the first chance he got.

There was quite a bit of foot traffic up and down the hiking trail and lots of sweet dogs with their owners (I got two big doggy kisses and even a doggy hug as I was anxiously waiting – dogs just know, don’t they? God bless them.).

I suddenly felt led to start walking. I took my computer back to the car and started walking up the trail. I walked for about 10 minutes, keeping an eye on my phone to make sure I wasn’t getting out of range. After I came to a fork in the road, I took the higher trail (fitting) and came up to a big rock. About the time I got there, my phone rang. It was Josh.

I answered.

He told me the appointment had gone well. He heard the heartbeat. He had recorded it for me and had just texted me the file. He had pictures of the sonogram. He took pictures of them and texted them to me as well. He was so very positive about the appointment and about the feeling of the visit. I cried and told him how much I wanted to be there. We talked a little bit longer then we hung up. I’d kept walking the whole time.

Then I received a text message.

I stopped.

On the text message was a “play” button.

I took a big long deep breath and I pressed the button.

“Breath of Heaven, hold me together, be forever near me, breath of Heaven.”~Amy Grant

A heartbeat.

I heard the most beautiful heartbeat. So strong! So fast!

I doubled over and began gasping for breaths of air. Suddenly I was crying and laughing and trying to breathe all at the same time and it was almost suffocating. In one instant I was blanketed in the new life I would be living from that moment forward.

No matter what happens, I will love this child for the rest of my life.

I believe that God led me to that very spot in the Alaskan wilderness – amidst some of the most beautiful scenery I will ever see.

I shared that moment with God because I had followed Him to a secluded place where I would receive the most incredible message of my entire life.

When God has a message for us to receive, we have to follow the path He leads us to. We have to choose to take the higher path that will lead us closer to Him and to the glory and grace to be bestowed upon us.

Follow the path. Stop. Listen to the message He has for you and receive the new life He has in store for you.

Breathe and laugh and cry and live!

While I do not know exactly what the future has in store for me and Josh, I trust in the direction of God’s will for my life and for the life of this child, and I know I am living out every opportunity I am being given to the absolute fullest.

Be still and know – then prepare and live!

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. ~1Peter  1:13

Please pray for me, for Josh, for our friend, but most importantly, pray for this sweet young girl and her tiny baby. Thank you so much for all of your support and prayer.

Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10

Just do it now. Right now. Close your eyes and be still. Be still and listen. Be still and smile. Be still and live.