Sadness…Interrupted

I’ve been thinking a lot about the different ways that we all process sadness. I’ve come across a lot of men and women who are actively punching sadness in the kidneys to keep it from putting them in a choke hold. For the first time since I’ve started my bout in the infertility arena I am finally realizing just how many others experience my very same feelings of sadness and despair.

My heart breaks when I read women write:

“I will never see my husband’s or my face in a child.”

“I cannot continue this every day, every month, month after month.”

“My husband will never kiss my swollen pregnant belly.”

All of these thoughts have crossed my mind. I went through months and months of thinking of my own body as nothing but an infertile mass unworthy of affection. I was very depressed and felt very alone and broken and worthless.

I can’t count the number of times I grabbed my bible looking for a bible verse that said I would get pregnant after my next cycle.

Psalm 13: 1-3 pretty nicely sums up the way I’ve so often felt:

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
² How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

³ Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

I so often throw myself into my black hole pit of despair (after scaling the Cliffs of Insanity!!!). But I have found that for me, the only way to deal with sadness is just to face it, be taken by it, process it, then find strength on the other side to pull myself back out. I personally think it’s healthy to sometimes just allow yourself to take a mental health day, be depressed, stay in bed and be sad.

And here’s why:

Luke 19:41 ~Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem.

John 11: 33-36 ~Jesus wept over the death of his friend Lazarus.

Matthew 14:13 ~Jesus was sad over the death of John the Baptist.

Hebrews 5:7 ~Jesus wept with a loud cry and tears.

Jesus had extraordinary compassion. He felt sadness and he wept. That deep compassion and sadness extends to us when we mourn our own losses and face our own struggles. It took me a long time to realize that I will never be sad and all alone because Jesus loves me so much that he’s sad for me when I’m sad – he mourns my infertility along with me the days I just can’t keep my chin up. It’s a wonderful feeling to think that perhaps he is sitting right alongside me, whispering to me, “I’m so sorry sweet girl. I’m so sorry you’re sad. But there is a plan. There is hope.”

It’s in these moments of sadness that I now feel the most understood. I feel safe and I feel loved and I feel embraced in my sadness.

It’s in your moments of sadness that you are completely understood. You are safe and you are loved and you are embraced in your sadness. You are never, ever alone.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. ~ Matthew 5:4

Believe this.