Well, this is me – the girl looking angelically up toward the heavens. My name is Carrie-Anne Taylor and I am, at this time in my life, incapable of getting pregnant. Infertility is not my identifier by any means. It certainly was for a time in my life, but only because I allowed it to define me. It’s easy to allow it overtake you – but you must not let it define your life.
I’ll admit that I had times when I was a little upset with the Man Upstairs. But what I’ve learned is that God is fully capable of loving me and guiding me even during the times when I’m angry. It’s important for women to know that it’s okay to get angry sometimes, because if anyone can handle it – HE CAN. God made us, therefore He knows exactly how we think. He knows we don’t understand why we have to go through some things in life. But the best part is that when it finally hits you that you just cannot live your life without Him, you turn back to Him, and see that He has been with you all along – waiting with open arms for you to just turn around. This is the beauty of what it means to be a child of God.
One afternoon, several months ago, I had just received news that someone else I knew was pregnant. Not really any big thing actually, because it seemed like everyone was pregnant – the cat was pregnant. I went home and went into my usual self-loathing depression. I was crying and asking God why He just couldn’t let me have a baby. I mean, let’s face it – when my family, my church, my friends, everyone who knew me, was praying for me to get pregnant, what was the big deal in answering all of those prayers with one teeny little baby? Why couldn’t He see how precious a child would be to us? Why couldn’t He just let me experience the joy of having a child with the man that I love? I am a woman, that is what He created me for, and I felt I was being robbed of my own existence as a woman! Obviously no drama here.
It was then that an overwhelming feeling came over me. God wasn’t sitting up in Heaven looking down on me, watching me fall apart day after day. He was right beside me in my living room, mourning my infertility right along with me. It had never occurred to me that He might be sad for me too. I physically experienced the bitterness melting from my heart. That moment of clarity has never left me. I changed my entire way of thinking. I began talking to Him and asking for His help to get me through my sadness. I began asking for His guidance to show me how I was ever going to be able to deal with this month after month without going completely insane or spiraling down into another depression.
I started writing a devotional. As I wrote, I began thinking of all of the women I’d read about in countless websites. I pictured all of these faceless women, desperate to become mothers, obsessing, calculating and charting, just like I’d been doing. Not only had I obsessed over myself, I’d obsessed over them too. I realized there must be thousands of women who needed to hear the very same things that I did. I realized I needed to write not just for me, but for them too, so that they could continue on with the same hope and strength uplifting them that I was now experiencing. I pray that I am able to reach out to women struggling with the frustrations of infertility – perhaps that woman is you. I pray you discover that even if you are unable to conceive, you can still find happiness in life. You can still experience peace and joy in being a woman, and rejoice in the hope of God’s plan for you.
So here we are – here you are reading about me, and here I am hoping to reach out to you. God is Good!